Hamlet in 5 mintues!!
by Cherry Blossom
Summary: This is Sicily's idea. I just wanted to try my hand at it ^__^


Hiyee minna! It's just crazy old Cherry Blossom with her weird and pointless junk. I came across a wonderful series of parodies by Sicily and couldn't resist doing my own little take on it. Obviously I don't own Hamlet. My name is not Shakespeare and I can't write sonnets worth beans. Hope you guys enjoy this.

Hamlet in Five Minutes!!

Act 1, Scene 1

Bernardo: I saw a ghost.

Marcellus: I saw it too.

Horatio: Idiots. There's no such thing as ghosts.

Marcellus: Oh yeah? Then what's that? ::points to ghost::

Horatio: Damn. Guess I was wrong.

Bernardo: Idiot.

Act 1, Scene 2

Claudius: Ha ha. Now that my brother is dead, I get to make it with his wife. Sucker!

Gertrude: I don't think Hamlet likes you much.

Claudius: What makes you say that?

Hamlet: You suck. My dad was much better then you.

Claudius: He's dead. Quit bitching and moaning about it and get on with your life.

Hamlet: Bite me.

Horatio: Hey, Hamlet! I saw a ghost. It looked like your dad.

Hamlet: Seek mental help.

Horatio: No, really. Come see.

Hamlet: Fine.

Act 1, Scene 3

Laertes: I'm leaving.

Ophelia: Good riddance.

Polonius: Behave yourself.

Laertes: Whatever, dad. ::leaves::

Polonius: Quit messing around with Hamlet, Ophelia. I don't want any little princes of Denmark running around.

Ophelia: Yeah, yeah.

Act 1, Scene 4

Hamlet: It's too freakin' cold out here. ::sees ghost:: Hey! Dad!

Horatio: Don't go with the ghost, man. That's how you get killed.

Hamlet: Shut up.

Horatio: Okay.

Act 1, Scene 5

Ghost: Your uncle murdered me.

Hamlet: That bastard!

Ghost: Get revenge.

Hamlet: Will do. ::writes down in his date book under "things to do"::

Ghost: Thanks. ::leaves::

Horatio: Are you alright?

Hamlet: I'm gonna pretend to be crazy for awhile, okay?

Horatio: Good plan.

Act 2, Scene 1

Polonius: Go check up on my son. 

Reynaldo: Sure. ::leaves::

Ophelia: Hamlet's gone bonkers!

Polonius: Really? Let's go tell the king.

Act 2, Scene 2

Claudius: Go spy on Hamlet.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Okay. ::leave::

Polonius: I've found out why Hamlet's been acting so weird.

Claudius: Really? Why?

Polonius: He's obsessed with my daughter.

Claudius: Let's spy on them.

Polonius: Okay.

Gertrude: Honestly, what's with you men and spying?

Claudius: You wouldn't understand.

Gertrude: Damn right! ::king and queen leave::

Hamlet: ::enters:: 

Polonius: Do you know who I am?

Hamlet: You are an idiot.

Polonius: He really is crazy. ::leaves::

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Hi Hamlet!

Hamlet: What are you doing here?

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Um…visiting you?

Hamlet: Yeah right.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: ::look guilty:: Er…um…hey look! Actors!

Hamlet: Great. I love the theater. I can prove that the king murdered my dad this way!

Act 3, Scene 1

Polonius: Here. Pretend to read this book.

Ophelia: This idea is stupid.

Polonius: Shut up.

Claudius and Polonius: ::hide::

Hamlet: Should I kill myself or not. Hmm…I'm thinking…not! Hi Ophelia.

Ophelia: Whazzup!

Hamlet: Whazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!!

Ophelia: Uh...anyway…I wanted to give you your stuff back. Since we broke up, I thought you might want some off this junk.

Hamlet: I didn't give you anything.

Ophelia: Oh really? Then what's this? ::holds up box of stuff::

Hamlet: Shut up! Go away! Go be a nun! Leave me alone! Women are the root of all evil. Especially you, bitch. ::leaves::

Ophelia: Well…that was uncalled for.

Polonius: He's a nut.

Claudius: Let's send him to England.

Polonius: Okay.

Act 3, Scene 2

Hamlet: I changed some of the lines in this play. Read it!

Actors: Bossy, ain't he.

Claudius: Hello Hamlet.

Hamlet: Bite me.

Gertrude: Come sit with me.

Hamlet: No! I wanna sit with Ophelia. She's prettier than youuuuuuuu. :goes over to sit by Ophelia:: Wanna sleep with me?

Ophelia: Pervert!

Hamlet: Hush, the play is starting.

Play-king: Ha ha ha. I'm going to kill my brother and marry his wife.

Claudius: ::cries like a baby:: I don't like this play. I'm going hoooooome! ::runs away::

Hamlet: Yeah! He fell for it!

Horatio: Whatever.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Hamlet, your mom wants you.

Hamlet: Now's my chance to cuss her out for betraying my dad.

Act 3, Scene 3

Claudius: Go with Hamlet to England.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Okay. ::leave::

Claudius: ::prays:: God forgive me for killing my brother and sleeping with his wife even though I'm not really sorry for doing it.

Hamlet: ::spying:: I should kill him now but since he's praying, I'll let him live a little while longer. 

Act 3, Scene 4

Polonius: I'm going to hide behind this drapery so I can hear what you guys are saying.

Gertrude: Really, Polonius, this spying obsession is getting quite annoying.

Polonius: Shh! He's coming! ::hides::

Hamlet: What do you want, mom?

Gertrude: You've been very rude to your father.

Hamlet: He's not my father. You're a tramp.

Gertrude: How dare you say such a thing!

Hamlet: It's true.

Gertrude: Don't hurt me!

Polonius: Help!

Hamlet: Who's that? ::stabs drapery::

Gertrude: Now look at what you've done. You've killed Polonius. Nice going, idiot.

Hamlet: He was annoying anyway.

Gertrude: Yeah…you're right. He was annoying. But Ophelia's going to be pissed.

Hamlet: Shut up! You're still a tramp!

Gertrude: Quiet!

Hamlet: Slut! Whore! Tramp! Uh…poopy-pants!

Gertrude: All right, I admit it! I'm a whore! ::cries::

Ghost: Don't hurt your mom. That's very rude. You should be killing your uncle instead.

Hamlet: Sorry.

Gertrude: Y'know, you really are nuts.

Hamlet: Actually I'm just pretending.

Gertrude: Suuuuure.

Hamlet: Bye mom!

Gertrude: I should have adopted…

Act 4, Scene 1

Gertrude: Hamlet's killed Polonius.

Claudius: Oh dear. I guess we should find him.

Gertrude: You think?

Act 4, Scene 2

Rosencrantz: Hamlet! What did you do with Polonius' body?

Hamlet: Why should I tell you? You're a fink. You'll just go tell my uncle on me.

Guildenstern: We wouldn't!

Hamlet: Suuuuuure.

Rosencrantz: Just tell us where you put the body.

Hamlet: I'm not gonna tell you. 'Cause you suck! Nyaa! ::runs away::

Guildenstern: This isn't our day…

Act 4, Scene 3

Claudius: Where's Polonius?

Hamlet: He's worm food. Soon you'll be worm food too.

Claudius: What do you mean?

Hamlet: Dumb ass.

Claudius: I'm sending you to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Hamlet: Oh goody! Let's go!

Act 4, Scene 4

Hamlet: Who's that?

Captain: That's Fortinbras. He's going to war over a wasteland.

Rosencrantz: He's an idiot.

Hamlet: I think he's very brave.

Guildenstern: You would.

Act 4, Scene 5

Gentleman: Ophelia's gone nuts.

Gertrude: Great. That's all I need. Another loony running around.

Ophelia: ::sings:: La, la, la! My dad's dead! La, la, la! I'm stark raving mad!

Gertrude: I hate that tune. Make her sing something else.

Laertes: I'm gonna kill the king! He killed my dad!!

Gertrude: Oh no, you don't want to do that.

Laertes: Like hell I don't!

Claudius: ::enters:: What do you want, Laertes?

Laertes: I wanna rip your guts out!

Claudius: Why?

Laertes: You killed my dad, you bastard.

Claudius: I didn't do that. Hamlet did.

Laertes: Oh. Well now I feel stupid.

Claudius: It's okay.

Ophelia: ::sings:: La, la, la! I've gone barmy! Laaaaaaaa!

Laertes: Well this is just great.

Gertrude: Isn't it though?

Claudius: Let's go in the other room and talk.

Laertes: Okay.

Act 4, Scene 6

Sailor: I have a letter for you.

Horatio: ::reads letter:: Hamlet's ship has been captured by pirates.

Sailor: That's nice.

Act 4, Scene 7

Claudius: Let's work together to kill Hamlet, Laertes. You can stab him in a duel.

Laertes: Are you sure that's enough? I mean, stabbing someone fatally might not work. I say we annoint the end of the sword with poison just for good measure.

Claudius: Great idea! And I can make him drink a cup of poisoned wine too!

Laertes: You think that might be overdoing things a little? 

Claudius: Nah…

Gertrude: ::enters:: Ophelia is dead! She drowned herself!

Laertes: I'm not going to cry because tears are unmanly and I do not wish to be called a sissy-boy. I'll just go destroy something instead.

Gertrude: Whatever.

Act 5, Scene 1

1st Graveyard guy: Who died?

2nd Graveyard guy: Some noble woman. Who really cares.

1st Graveyard guy: You're right. Let's go have a beer.

Hamlet: Hey, look Horatio! A skull!

Horatio: What else would you expect to find in a graveyard?

Hamlet: Hey you! Graveyard dude!

1st Graveyard guy: My name is Harold.

Hamlet: Whatever. Who's skull was this?

1st Graveyard guy (Harold): Yorick's.

Hamlet: Hey I know that guy! He was my jester.

Horatio: ::yawns:: How interesting. 

Claudius, Gertrude, Laertes, and a whole bunch of other people come in with Ophelia's dead body

Laertes: I wanna kiss my dead sister's lips before she's buried! ::jumps into the grave::

Gertrude: I say we leave him in there.

Hamlet: No! I loved Ophelia more! I should get to kiss her! ::also jumps into the grave::

Gertrude: Just bury them all. Please.

Act 5, Scene 2

Hamlet: I found out that dad was going to have me killed in England so I changed his orders around and had Rosencrantz and Guildenstern put to death instead.

Horatio: Way to go, man! You rock!

Hamlet: Yeah. I feel kinda bad about Laertes, though.

Osiric: ::enters:: Laertes is really good with a sword!

Hamlet: No one's better at swordplay then me! I'm challenging him to a duel!

Horatio: Something tells me that this is a bad idea.

Hamlet: Shut up, Horatio.

Claudius and Laertes and Gertrude enter with other people 

Hamlet: I'm sorry about Polonius and Ophelia.

Laertes: I forgive you. But I still want to fight.

Hamlet: Me too.

Hamlet and Laertes fight with swords

Claudius: Drink this Hamlet.

Hamlet: Later. I'm busy at the moment.

Gertrude: I'll drink it! ::drinks::

Claudius: Noooooooo!

Gertrude: ::dies::

Laertes stabs Hamlet with the poisoned sword and then Hamlet stabs Laertes…also with the poisoned sword. Go figure.

Laertes: Oh damn. Now we're both going to die.

Hamlet: What do you mean?

Laertes: I stabbed you with a poisoned sword.

Hamlet: Damn! Well, might as well take some people with me. ::stabs Claudius::

Claudius: ::dies::

Laertes: Sorry about the poisoning thing.

Hamlet: Don't worry about it. You're almost dead anyway.

Laertes: ::dies::

Hamlet: Horatio! I'm gonna die!

Horatio: I think that that was already established by the whole poisoned sword thing.

Hamlet: Shut up and listen to me for once. I want Fortinbras to be king. Just because…I like his pants. They're cool. ::dies::

Fortinbras: All right! I get to rule Denmark! Whoo hoo!

Horatio: How come I never get to be king?

dead bodies are carted off stage

THE END


End file.
